ACD Copywriter

Humor Essays

Things to consider before crossing Matt Polston

On the outside you might see me, Matt Polston, as a 40-something, affable man with an average build and neatly trimmed goatee. But don’t let my mild-mannered exterior fool you. While I may be easygoing and quick to laugh at myself and the world around me, I am not the sort of person you want to mess with.

Say, for example, you see me standing in the checkout line down at the Home Depot and think, “I can cut in front of the man buying a state of the art, 4-burner Broil King.” Well, you’ve got another thing coming, because I, Matt Polston, won’t turn a blind eye to your disrespectful actions. Mark my words: We will get into a verbal altercation.

But before you jump head first into an argument with me, Matt Polston, ask yourself, “Are you ready to test the newly-minted wiles of someone who just completed a 4-hour improv workshop as part of a mandatory, company wide, team building exercise?”

During the course of a singular afternoon, I literally played the games “Pass the Clap” and “Zip, Zap, Zop” several times. Through dozens of minutes spent maintaining strong eye contact, clapping synchronously, and taking turns reciting the words “zip,” “zap,” and “zop” in sequential order at ever-increasing speeds, I’ve drastically improved my active listening skills and focus, which in turn have sharpened my wits to rapier proportions. Essentially, my mind is now as swift and clever as Stephen Colbert’s.

Still wanna try something? If so, then read on.

My extremely brief introduction into the improvisational art form didn’t stop with enhancing my mental acuity. For the better part of a half-hour, my fellow employees and I also played the Beastie Boys rap game, where we learned to free associate and rhyme one-syllable words at a breakneck pace. Busting out rap lyrics off the top of my head is second nature to me now. So when our argument inevitably dissolves into a rap battle in the Home Depot parking lot, watch out!

My fresh rhymes will be so sick, they’ll make you ill, because you won’t just be going up against Matt Polston, Neighborhood Watch block captain. You’ll be going tongue-to-tongue with Matt Polston, lyrical wizard and owner of “8 Mile” on Blue-ray and DVD. In one fell swoop, I will humiliate you and steal your girl, to whom I will make sweet love in my brand new Dodge Caravan once we’ve set the parking brake and folded the second- and third-row seats into the floor, thanks to its innovative Stow ‘n Go Seating and Storage System.

Of course this will upset you, and I could see how you’d want to fight the man who rocked your significant other’s world on a bed of premium upholstery, still ripe with new car smell. But before you step into the ring of hurt with my deft brain and hip hop genius, here’s more food for thought, “Are you mentally, physically, and emotionally prepared to find yourself on the business end of my white belt for which I recently earned a golden gold stripe, as evidenced by the ring of electrical tape affixed to one end?”

Since I began my Taekwondo training two months ago at the dojo next to Dunkin’ Donuts in the 2nd street strip mall, I have transformed my body into a living weapon. Think of me as a Ronda Rousey-Jet Li hybrid who can deflect anything you throw my way, assuming it falls within the parameters of the four basic blocks I’ve spent no more than a handful of hours perfecting.  

Ideally this would be the point where you realize you’re no match for the likes of a trained martial artist such as myself and yield. But those mental images of me gently caressing your girl’s supple skin on a bed of automotive carpet would only fuel the rage, and you would continue your assault, while underestimating the amount of stretch in my business casual Dockers. Not only will these affordable pants from a Khol’s Labor Day Sale aid me in delivering a sidekick squarely to your mid-thigh region, they will also assist in my ongoing battle against dirt and wrinkles with their Stain Defender and Never-Iron technologies. So when all’s said and done, the only thing I’ll have to wipe away is the smile of satisfaction from teaching you a thing or two about the basics of Home Depot line etiquette.

So, I’ll leave you with one final question, “Are you prepared to open the Pandora’s box known as Matt Polston?” If not, kindly take your place in line behind me, where the only thing I’ll be hitting you with is some friendly chitchat about this 4-burner Broil King I’m about to buy.

Michael Williams