ACD Copywriter

Humor Essays

Form Letters For Every Occassion

Sorry For Removing The Wrong Body Part

Dear [insert patient’s name],

It has come to my recent attention that I amputated your [wrong body part], when in fact I was supposed to amputate [correct body part]. For that, I would like to offer my sincerest apologies for the oversight that caused this error, as I know how important your [wrong body part] was to you. Rest assured the appropriate actions have been taken to ensure a mistake like this won’t happen again.

I know this news must be unpleasant for you. You may even be feeling a sense of shock, just like I experienced while holding your [wrong body part] in my hands, realizing the gravity of my inexcusable actions. I was so upset that I shouted “[expletive]!!!” I was horrified, as I’ve always prided myself in being a person who never uses foul language.

Scared and unsure of what to do next, I made the decision to put you in a medically-induced coma for an open-ended amount of time, which explains why it’s [season] now and the incisions from your amputation have completely healed. It was the right thing to do. During the [number] months you were unconscious, I took some time off and did some traveling to clear my head—even lived with [spiritual group in foreign country], where I had some of the most remarkable food in my life. I’d give up my [body part] to have a taste of it again!

Apart from self-discovery and unlocking parts of my palate I never knew existed, I was able to gain the clarity I needed to properly see the consequences of my actions. Thanks to the recklessness of my surgical practices, I realize that your life will be forever altered and friends, family members, and coworkers will always assume you’re dressing up as a [limbless costume trope] for Halloween.

The biggest epiphany I had, however, is I still need to remove [correct body part], and we need to do so immediately! If we don’t, I fear your life may be in danger. It should have been removed well before I left for [foreign country] to practice [spiritual practice] for [number] months, but I was in such a panicked state I forgot, maybe even suppressed it like people do with trauma. To be honest, I’m amazed that you haven’t succumbed to [life-threatening illness] from a [equally life-threatening medical complication].

I know what you’re thinking. And yes, after the operation you won’t have a [correct body part] nor a [wrong body part], but before you head down Depression Avenue, think of the silver lining to your situation! This time around there’s a 100% chance for the successful amputation of your [right body part], because it’s the only one you have left! For now.

This must stir up feelings of [words of anger]. However, let’s not focus on where I went wrong, because we’re all well aware of where things went south already. And we can’t change that. We all know living in the past will do you about as much good as leaving your [right body part] attached. Instead, let’s move forward and focus on what we can change, like removing that [right body part].

I would also like to take this time to inform you that this amputation is on the house. It’s the least we could do. As an added bonus, everyone at [medical facility] chipped in to get you the enclosed [monetary amount] gift certificate to [chain restaurant]. It’s no [spiritual group] cuisine, but they have a great family atmosphere, unlimited refills on [food/beverage item] and an outstanding reputation for accommodating people without [wrong body part].

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to give me a call at [phone number].

Regards,

[name & signature]

 

Michael Williams